Chicago Chick

Stupid Thing #1

This is going to be short, mainly because I am hung-over.  Yes I did something irresponsible last night.  I went out and drank to excess.  My client took me out for dinner and drinks to celebrate passing the certification exam that has been stressing me out.  And because I was told that I don't know how to "bask" in my achievements and because I was blowing off some excess steam and more importantly, because I was being irresponsible, I am now paying the price with a very, VERY bad hangover.

It will only get worse today because I will be at home with 2 very loud toddlers.  I am working from home the first part of today because David and I have a meeting with our oldest son's speech and occupational therapists to discuss his progress.  I am in pain now, but have to be in "normal, functioning, Irene form" by noon today.  I have no idea how I'm going to get there.

Naughty Thoughts

Every once in a while I will have a "naughty" dream.  Come on - I'm human; it happens.  And, don't deny that it hasn't happened to you.  For some strange reason you have a dream where you're making out with someone who isn't your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever.  It's not like it's intentional because you don't consciously tell yourself before you go to bed that you're going to have a dream where you're cheating on your significant other.

When was the last time I had such a dream?  I have no idea because lately I'm not sleeping and most of my dreams are about running late to a final for a class that I've registered for but have NEVER attended.  Those dreams absolutely suck!  But back to the topic at hand.  I can't remember the last time I had such a dream, but I know that I have had them in the 11 years that I've been married to David.  Here is the question that is weighing on my mind.  Why is it okay to admit that you've had a dream where you're not with your significant other but it's NOT okay to admit that you've had thoughts wondering what it's like to not be with your significant other?

I ask this because there is someone that I work with that has had extra-marital affairs.  It happens because this person doesn't get the "sexy business" at home on a regular basis.  Regular basis meaning at least once a month.  How do I know this?  Because the topic came up one night as all of us (about 7 of us) went out for a drink after work.

So co-worker, M, has had 2 extra marital affairs and another co-worker admitted to thinking about what it was like to have an extra marital affair.  They'll probably never hook up because they're both the same gender.  The topic of conversation came up during an "I never" game (I never . . . you fill in the blank . . .).  I believe the I never was something like, "I never have dreams having 'sexy business' with my significant other." or "I have never cheated on my siginficant other."

I realize that actually having an extra-marital affair is wrong, but is thinking about it just as wrong and why?  The co-worker who admitted to thinking about what it was like to have an affair was blasted the same way as the co-worker who actually had a couple was.  It was interesting to see and drove the point home that (1) you don't actually share this type of information with co-workers and (2) chances are everyone has deviant thoughts to some degree but you should keep those thoughts to yourself.

I Wish I Had a Crystal Ball

Honestly, these past few years have been really, really tough.  I write that thought often and hope that things will get less difficult.  But, in reality, things don't get easier and the reason that things don't get easier is because I don't let them.  Let me explain.

In the past 4 years, David and I have become parents (twice); we've sold and bought a house; and we've moved (twice).  As if becoming a parent isn't hard enough, I've also changed jobs a lot - yeah I don't want to hear about it - (once to return to the same company, once because my company was on the verge of folding, and another because I was paid A LOT of money to cut and paste information from one spreadsheet to another causing my brain to atrophy).  All of the things that have "happened" to me are things that I willing did to myself.

I admit it - I am the cause of the strife in my life.  I made all of the changes in an attempt to make life better for my family and to put us in a better place.  I made the best choice with the information that I had at the time.  Would I make the same choices again knowing what I know now?  Some of them yes and some of them no (overall I'd say yes) - but it's not like I had a crystal ball.  Actually, I wish I did have a crystal ball because there are more decisions that I'm about to make and I'd really love to know the outcome before I make them.  And because I don't live in a bubble I will have to continue to make choices.

Throughout the years of making these big choices about work and family and money, I've truly learned a lot.  I've learned to be more patient and not so reactionary.  Case in point, when people in my practice started dropping like flies, I could have run but I didn't.  I'm still working for my consulting company - although a little unhappier - but I'm still there.  And, the lesson that you are responsible for your career (something I learned at the age of 22) has been a recurring theme throughout the past 4 years.

There are so many changes to come.  My oldest will be returning to school in a couple of weeks and the littlest one will start attending preschool at the beginning of 2009.  I cannot stop the inevitable changes that come my way and I know that life won't get easier.  The only thing that I can hope for is the wisdom to enjoy the good times when they come and to hang on tight to the ones I love during the not so good times.  But seriously, a crystal ball sure wouldn't hurt!

Ugh - I've Been Called "Cute"

Recently I wrote a post about how I felt about NOT feeling attractive anymore.  When I re-read what I wrote, I realized that I do care that I don't feel attractive anymore.  I probably felt bad for more than the 5 seconds that I admitted to in the post I wrote.  So, what brought on the change of heart for me?

I haven't really been taking care of myself since even before the boys came around and the last time that I really worked out and tried to live a healthier lifestyle (before more recent events) was from 1997 to 1998.  That's a whole decade ago.  Now that I have more "grown up" pressures and responsibilities, I think that it's high time that I took better care of myself.  And, I have been.

In the past 4 months or so I have lost a little over 20 pounds and 5% body fat.  Although I have a long way to go, I do feel better about myself.  I've even taken the metabolic test again - the one that I wrote about in an April post - to see how I've improved over the past 4 months.  The results were impressive and I'm proud of the progress I've made.

Apparently people around me that I see everyday are starting to notice a change too and I've gotten some nice compliments.  I've also received some constructive criticism such as, "You're super cute - why don't you dress better?"  I appreciate the constructive criticism and have tried to take it to heart, but the "super cute" part of the comment made me want to gag up my lunch and a lung.  Eeeeew!  Cute is for things like bunny rabbits and babies.  Things that are fluffy and round.  And, I so don't want to be ROUND anymore.  I've never been fluffy before and don't want to start now.   I suppose if I keep doing what I'm doing, maybe one day I will be "hot" or "beautiful" - or at least my outsides will be.

Wrung Out

It's 12:30 in the morning and I'm feeling so incredibly stressed out.  I have been trying to get the oldest one down for bed since 7:30 this evening and for some reason he is just been nothing but a whining, crying, annoying little article.  I even tried to snuggle with him in bed so that he would fall asleep, but nothing has worked.  Instead he has succeeded in making me a stressed out, wrung out, guilty mess.  So much so that I just got up and walked away from him which caused him to cry these heart-wrenching sobs.

But, what am I supposed to do?  There are things that I needed to get done this evening like pay bills and stress out over the fact that school is coming up and tuition needs to be paid.  Seriously, how is it that you can live on a single income; put a roof over your family's head; put food on the table; educate your kids; and have a little left over?  The paycheck that I earn is nothing to sneeze at but I am starting to worry especially since school is starting.  The craziness that goes on with my company continues and doesn't alleviate any of the stress.

I'm worried that something will give and it will be my sanity.  There's still the stress of the impending test and I think I'm harboring some resentment that I had to pay for the training class that, in reality, my company should reimburse me for.  Seriously, the $3,000.00 cost of the class made a sizable dent in our savings account.  Add to that the cost of taking the exam and the professional fees for the organization that the certification belongs to and you have a sizable chunk of change.

There are other, more personal, issues that are weighing on my mind that I don't care to discuss.  But, all of it together is making for a sleepless night and honestly I feel as though I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack.  I don't dare have one because that would probably mean hospital bills that would need to be paid.  I'm being funny about the hospital bills, but it isn't far from the truth.  I'm worried that one more thing will cause me to seek some sort of irresponsible escape.